Dear Mr. Trump,
I think I might be on to your grand plan, so please excuse me if this post is making suggestions you’ve already decided to enact. We stand now, one day before your inauguration, and (I think) one day before your grand reveal as the GREATEST SHOWMAN ON EARTH. For the sake of conversation, though, let’s pretend that this is not your current plan. Here’s my pitch for the HUGE plot twist you can pull to solidify your everlasting reputation as a true revolutionary in world history.
Here’s how it goes down: when you get to the moment when you’re supposed to be sworn in, don’t do it. Refuse to begin, and when everyone is watching, just yell “YOU GOT TRUMPED, AMERICA!” and then do something like, I don’t know, two thumbs up, or finger guns, or slowly rotate to point at every camera and every audience member. Whatever feels natural for you, just go with it!
Then you announce to the world that this entire campaign has been a huge social media experiment. It was all done to test the limits of democracy and the true priorities of the American people. Your master plan has been to reveal all of the corrupt members of our government – all the ones that helped you get elected, all the ones that are unconcerned about your ties to Russia, etc. You did it to highlight the inherent flaws in the electoral college system, the rampant disregard for life, liberty, and the freedoms guaranteed to us in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
Imagine it now…you’re up there, the whole world is watching (granted, a bunch of us will be protesting or boycotting, but word will spread quickly!), and you reveal that you’re the genius behind a global stunt that tears apart our entire corrupted system and offers us a fresh start. Stand there in your red tie and tell every major news outlet, every average Joe and Jane, that you wanted to see how far you could get by doing the absolute opposite of what any logical presidential candidate would do – and it worked.
Picture Ivanka, cool and disdainful as she surveys the crowd. She can speak to the women and question why they possibly voted for her father. As a mother, a wife, and a powerful business woman, she can express her utter disappointment and confusion, bringing awareness to all of those voters who saw her and her fake “pro-family” values as something to aspire towards. Your sons can join you on stage, smirking as they point out that your policies do an absolute disservice to the majority of Americans. Are you rich like us? Are you protected by nepotism and foreign bank accounts? Then why in the world did you vote for our dad?
Then, of course, Melania can emerge, looking beautiful and compassionate and horrified. She can speak for the immigrants, and ask why in the world anyone would vote for such an openly racist and xenophobic candidate. It would be awesome if you included some people of color, those of other religions and ethnicities and cultures, but by now you might be so deep undercover that you’ve fully alienated all of them. And, lest you think we’re only going to be calling out the conservatives or libertarians or whatever that voted for you, this is the perfect chance for her to point out the hypocritical sexism aimed at her by many liberals. You can totally burn the entire country AND help to save it at the same time!
Once they’re done, you can look around calmly and then scream “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” Oh my God, can you imagine the press coverage??? The tweets and the Facebook posts and the news reports and the conversations in every home and workplace? Shit will hit the fan on a level that we’ve never seen in recent history. And when the dust settles, we will hopefully emerge as better people.
Look, this move would be epic. It would be Orson Welles plus P.T. Barnum plus Kanye West! It would be legendary! Instead of getting an intro paragraph to a dark chapter on American history, you could have your own book! Or at least your own entire chapter, devoted to the media mogul and businessman that pulled back the curtain on modern politics!
Still on the fence? Well, let’s get down to the bottom line on your presidency…a lot of people really don’t like you. You don’t seem qualified at all, and virtually every choice you’ve made in your entire adult life seems to underline your total incompetence for the role of President of the United States of America. I know you like to say that you’re the best, but wouldn’t it be nice if other people really, truly, agreed with that? Right now you’re about to go down in history as one of the worst presidents we’ve ever had. Maybe the absolute worst, which I will admit is an accomplishment in its own right. But still, definitely not the best. Best President is simply not an option for you, no matter what you say or do while in office.
Here’s the thing about best presidents – they get remembered. We speak of them wistfully, admiringly, and with great respect. Worst presidents, though, get forgotten. They make for an amusing chapter in the history books, a life lesson that we’re warned not to repeat, but we always forget our mistakes. Otherwise, quite frankly, you wouldn’t have made it as far as you have politically. If America, and the world at large, learned from our mistakes, we wouldn’t be on the brink of having an actual legitimate Nazi supporter at the helm. But I digress.
The point here is that you will not be remembered like you think you will. You are new money and poor decisions, and you will be thought of as an ugly side note between two of the best presidents in modern history, if not all time. Because I am confident that the next person we elect will be someone extraordinarily qualified, and someone that will lead us into a new renaissance of education, tolerance, and respect for humanity. I don’t think I need even mention that President Obama already exemplifies every trait we could dream to have in a president. For now I maintain hope that 2020 will bring us a Sanders, Warren, or Clinton presidency. Really anyone is going to come across as pretty damn good after four years of Trump, amiright?
Do you really want to be forgotten as a poor president? What if there was another option…a way to be remembered forever…remembered forever as a brilliant, accomplished, revolutionary that changed the world?
So please, take this chance. Think of the movies that will be made, featuring you as a likable protagonist instead of a terrifying villain. Think of how you will be celebrated instead of lambasted on Saturday Night Live! Think of how many new Twitter followers you will gain in a matter of seconds! Think of the schools and freeways and government offices that will be named in your honor! Swear to God, you might actually get an official holiday. Not everyone has the balls to pull of such a crazy, hugely important move – but we will celebrate you if you do.