The Brady Bunch Album is FIRE

Look, I know how that sounds. The Brady Bunch has been off the air for decades, and the kids were known for their wholesome, family friendly songs. But there’s some straight weird shit on this album, and the world needs to know. We’ve all been living a lie, thinking they were so sweet! The Brady family had a dark side, and they let it out on this album.

I’m assuming most people aren’t looking to listen to all twenty tracks on this album – although it is quite an experience, especially if intoxicated – so here’s my advice on the best of the best. Btw, this post is dedicated to my college roommate Kali. She not only put up with me listening this god forsaken album – often – but she got just as into as I did. We may have sent an excessive amount of fan emails to Barry Williams. Sadly, he never wrote back.

The Best of the Brady Bunch, Track 2:

Promo (Intro)

Track 1 is the Brady Bunch theme song, and it leads into each actor introducing themselves on Track 2. This is worth a listen if only for how insanely arrogant Barry Williams sounds. If you’re in college and super bored you might use it to prank call your friends…just saying.

The Best of the Brady Bunch, Track 10:

I Just Want To Be Your Friend

It is possible that no one in the history of music has put out a more condescending rejection song. It is BRUTAL and absolutely on point. The song was originally done by The Millennium, but the lyrics cut even deeper when by the Bradys (some in falsetto). They all sing, but you know it’s really just Marsha. You know how she could be!

She starts off by singing “You know I just want to be your friend”. Okay, message received, Marsha. Thanks for that. But no, she goes for the jugular and tells you that you need to love yourself first.

If you only know there’s a someone who really loves you —
It’s your heart and it’s your soul
And it’s you they want to know,
You’ve got to love yourself before you love another.

So it’s not just that she doesn’t like you like that – no one ever will, because you don’t really love yourself. Then, just in case you don’t get the point, the whole gang drives it home by repeating the chorus over and over and over again as the music fades out:

You know I just want to be your friend
You know I’d just like to be your friend
You know I just want to be your friend
You know I’d just love to be your friend…

The Best of the Brady Bunch, Track 13:

Candy (Sugar Shoppe)

The lyrics make this seem like a Nicki Minaj or Ludacris track, but no, it’s all of the Brady kids gang sounding DIRTY AF. Greg growls and literally sings, “I’d eat lots of you, girl”. Jan offers up her sugar shop, and pleads “Come on sugar, drop and give me some”. The whole thing is incredibly weird. But worth experiencing, for sure! Video and lyrics below:

Candy
Cherry lollipop now!
Sugar
Candy never stop now!
I wanna take you to my sugar shoppe, so come on
I wanna give you all the love I got, so come on

Candy kisses in the moonlight
Sugar shoppin’ all through the night
Sippin’ milkshakes in the hot sun
Come on Sugar drop and give me some

Candy…
I got such a sweet tooth!
Oh Candy…
I’d eat lots of you girl!

I wanna take you to my sugar shoppe, now come on
I wanna give you all the love I’ve got, so come on

Candy kisses in the moonlight
Sugar shoppin’ all through the night
Sippin’ milkshakes in the hot sun
Come on Sugar drop and give me some

Candy…
Sugar never stop now
Candy…
Sugar sugar shoppe now

Candy…
Show you what I got now
Candy…
Cherry lollipop now
Candy…
Sugar never stop now
Candy…
Sugar sugar shoppe now
Candy…
Show you what I got now
Candy…
Cherry lollipop now

Bonus Tracks

Now that you’re thoroughly disturbed by the Bradys’ interest in each other’s sugar shops, let’s move on. There are some songs on here that you might remember from the show. If that type of music was ever your jam, these songs are worth a listen for the memories. 

Track 1: Theme From The Brady Bunch

Yep, the whole thing. It’s pretty iconic, and had all the elements of a successful sitcom theme song. It was fun to sing along to, but took a few tries to memorize. Almost everyone – at least those from probably my generation and before? – recognizes it. Plus, it has that Small World effect of being stuck in your head for about a thousand years after you hear one second of it. So that’s always nice.

Track 3: It’s A Sunshine Day

This song was featured on the original show and the remake movie that came out in the 90s. It’s the ultimate cheerful tune, so it will resonate with you if you’re feeling happy. If you’re angry or sad, though, it will settle into your soul like the chants of demons crying out in hell. Listen with caution, and only on emotionally sunshiney days.

Track 4: We Can Make The World A Whole Lot Brighter

The Bradys were saving the earth since before you were even born, son! Okay, I don’t know when you were born, but they did release their version of this song back in ’71. I’m a little confused as to whether it was written for the show, or just covered by them? But the original artists were apparently Robert John and Michael Gatley, under the band name Gravy. The message is sadly still very necessary – we have to work together to save the land, stop polluting the waters, and stop chopping down trees, among other environmentally friendly suggestions.

Track 7: Keep On

This is one they perform in matching outfits to win enough money to save the day! Fringed, colorful, bell bottomed outfits, if I recall correctly. You know you remember it: Flying down the highway in a makeshift Model TA – wooo! yeah! ooh! – it’s a beautiful morning and it’s gonna be a beautiful day….we’re gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancing all through the night…

Track 8: Time To Change

Dude, this is the puberty song! Peter’s voice was changing and they had to accommodate his screeching and cracks with a special song all about changing from a child to an adult. I was fascinated by all things puberty related as a kid, so this was one of my favorites. I’m also just a fan of any song that includes lyrics like sha na na na na na na na, sha na na na na. Every boy’s a man inside, a girl’s a woman too, and if you wanna reach your destiny here’s what you’ve got to do…

Don’t worry guys, this album is available on iTunes and Amazon! My work here is done :)

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