Alright Bones, here’s the thing. I love you. Like so, so, so much. I’m extremely forgiving when it comes to television that I love, so I’ve cut you plenty of slack. But Bones, this shit has to end. What shit, you might ask? I would be happy to share. SPOILER ALERTS ahead for Bones up to last week’s episode on May 12th.
1. Season 4, Episode 21: The Double Death of the Dearly Departed. The Toyota ads. Oh my God, the ads. I first noticed them in this episode, and I can’t stop noticing them now. I was willing to overlook the blatant product placement, because this episode had one of my fave quotes ever. Booth and Bones agree to say that the dead colleague has been “translated” to avoid alarming other guests by speaking of murder. Booth tries to dissuade Bones from her pursuit of the truth, and she snaps back at him, completely serious, and says “Booth we are talking about translation here!” That cracked me up, so I decided to forgive how they extolled the virtues of Angela’s Toyota Matrix.
But it didn’t stop there, now did it? Suddenly these oh-so-casual Toyota product placements are popping up week after week. Oh, amazing, the gas mileage, the intelligent design that keeps you from swerving into other lanes, the hands-free parallel parking. Fine, yes, those are all awesome, and it’s super cool that you can fit a corpse in a Toyota. But for the love of God, please stop discussing the stupid cars. Somehow every one of these actors becomes a crappy telemarketer as soon as they get in promote Toyota mode. Another thing that bugged me – Season 6, Episode 22: The Hole in the Heart. I will get back to that episode later, but first off…Bones doesn’t seem the type to utilize a hand’s free parallel parking system. I’m sure she’s quite good at parallel parking, and she certainly likes to remind Booth that she’s an excellent driver. She does it all Rain Man style, too, which extra cracks me up. Anyway I think she’s too competitive, impatient, and self-sufficient to bother with that thing.
It’s fine that all the characters drive Toyotas. Live it up, show the logo, show them traveling on the open road. The show has plenty of opportunities for showing off the cars without anyone actually breaking out into a commercial for it. Personally I am less interested now in purchasing a Toyota, just because I’m so effing sick of hearing about it.
2. Season 4, Episode 25: The End in the Beginning. Let me preface this by saying that I really, really, really dislike dream sequences. I get mad when they are convincing and then fake. I feel betrayed! And also like my time has been wasted because none of this shit actually happened. So I extra hated this episode where Booth and Bones were together (but not really!), the lab was a nightclub (wtf?), and Motley Crue inexplicably performs at the end.
3. Season 5, Episode 16: The Parts in the Sum of the Whole. This episode totally twisted my perception of the dynamic between Booth and Bones. I absolutely LOVED that they had never pursued their affections at all. I loved how their first kiss was under the mistletoe (Season 3, Episode 9: The Santa in the Slush). I felt like they played that scene perfectly, from the hesitation and awkwardness to the passion and slight embarrassment. This should have remained as their first kiss. Now there’s this whole oh we kissed before but then it could never be…I don’t like it. It just doesn’t fit the story in my head.
4. Season 6, Episode 19: The Finder. I actually enjoyed the trio of new characters that we met in this episode. What I didn’t enjoy is how it was clearly prep for a spin-off, but they aired the show like nothing was different. I would have watched that show, exactly as is, as the pilot of The Finder. It could have aired right after Bones, perhaps, the way Grey’s Anatomy did (successfully) with Private Practice. But no, they just sprung it on us out of nowhere, with no real explanation as to why we were suddenly watching an entirely different show.
5. Season 5, Episode 22: The Hole in the Heart. Now we’re back to last week. In reference to last week’s episode…I. AM. PISSED. Next week better be flashbacks or I might have to quit watching altogether. We get Booth and Bones, in the same apartment, because it isn’t safe to be alone. We even get Bones creeping into Booth’s room in the middle of the night, and they sit together on the bed. He hugs her and sorta cuddles her, and they fall backwards rather romantically. It reminded me of John Mayer’s”Your Body is a Wonderland”, where he sings “I’ll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.” So sweet, right? WRONG. Because then it cuts to commercial and NEVER GOES BACK. Suddenly it’s the next day and Bones is exchanging knowing looks with Angela and implying that her and Booth finally did the dirty.
If, after five seasons of will-they-won’t-they, I am deprived of seeing the moment when Booth and Bones FINALLY kiss for real and end up making sweet, sweet, love – I will flip the eff out. I want to see them making out in bed, ripping off clothing, and moving suggestively beneath the sheets. I want to see the moment when they both realize they’re going to kiss, and the excruciatingly slooooow progression until their lips touch. I want to see the post-coital glow and the morning after breakfast. Instead I got none of that whatsoever. Then, to add insult to injury, they kill off my fave squint, Mr. Vincent Nigel-Murray. Will the injustices never end?!
Your move, Bones.